When I was 11 I went to Disney World, and I remember that it would be a super sunny day, gorgeous breeze, and then out of no where a rainstorm would come. So, we'd pull out a poncho and stay on line, waiting for our ride.
In some ways I feel like that 11 year old girl at Disney World, except that instead of a rainstorm its tears, instead of a poncho its tissues, and instead of waiting on line I'm just living life.
Our little K-man, Tub of Chub, K-money, bambino left us a week ago. I can't believe it's only been a week... it feels like a month. The days drag on like there's no tomorrow, and the nights are filled with restless sleep. Add to that the fact that this entire week we've been moving out of our house as we wrap up our time being on staff at Life Chapel. This Sunday we embark on our new journey as we follow God's leading to share His love with the people of Mexico (which is super bittersweet AND exciting!)
I think the hardest part about being foster parents when you don't have any kids of your own is the added pain that when they leave, you're empty nested again. The routine of just Noah and I is so familiar... we've been doing it for 4 years. But we had our little guy for 7 months and he changed everything. Then, all in a matter of 20 minutes, that's gone. He's gone. The stuff is gone. The new routine is gone. And while everything is back to "normal", nothing is the same.
For some, that might be nice. A full nights sleep, no extra luggage when you're headed to the store, no scrambling to find a babysitter because you forgot...again. But I would rather things be harder with K-man than easier without him.
We had furiously prayed that he would be able to be ours forever; that Tub would be able to come to Mexico with us. We entered foster care for many reasons, but always knowing we wanted to adopt and make one of these little ones our son or daughter. How many times do we go into something with our own intentions, and God just has so many others?
I used to hate the verse: We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps. proverbs 16:9
I would think- "Well, why the heck would I plan something if God is just gonna do what He wants anyway?" But as I look back over my life, God has used so many of my steps for a much bigger purpose than I could have ever imagined. Some of my steps were selfish, and he redeemed them. Some of my steps were in ignorance, and He blessed them. Some of my steps were even with good intentions, but He transformed them into journeys I could have never imagined.
These steps into foster care were a joint cause- partly selfish, partly in ignorance, and partly wanting to do the right thing. But God, and only God, was able to take all of that and turn it into something beautiful. Because while I am sad, indescribably sad, and grieving the loss of this insanely special little boy in our lives, I know that He (GOD) is good.
As a follower of Christ, I HAVE to choose to trust Him, not only with my life but with the lives of others. We don't live in a perfect world, and you don't need to be involved in the foster care system to see that. I genuinely don't know how a person can live life without the help and power of Jesus Christ. This life is hard enough WITH His help! At the end of the day, even when our beloved K-money was sleeping in the room next to me, I was not in control. I was not his ultimate protector and author of his life. God was, He is, and remains to be. I have the power to know and believe that every prayer poured into that little body for the past 7 months made a difference. I have the faith to believe that if his leaving wasn't the best for him AND us, that it wouldn't have happened.
I don't have this faith on my own. I am begging God for it, and He's answering my prayers. I am weak, but He is strong. And for that, I am grateful.
Some days I wake up and think "I can't do it. Nope, not today. I can't be reminded that he's not here anymore", and I can choose to sit there. And sometimes, in all honesty, I do. There's something sickening about hurt and sadness... it can feel good to wallow in it. But immediately I am uneasy as I sit in my pain and confusion. Sadness and longing are one thing, but dwelling on the circumstances and letting myself feel upset is something different. So yes, while Jesus is making me strong, I also need to choose life. I need to choose to place my hope in God's love and overarching purpose. I choose to choose God over my own plans and steps. So let the rainstorms come. Let the tears ebb and flow. Because I know that on the other side of this storm is the brightest sunshine of all.
In some ways I feel like that 11 year old girl at Disney World, except that instead of a rainstorm its tears, instead of a poncho its tissues, and instead of waiting on line I'm just living life.
Our little K-man, Tub of Chub, K-money, bambino left us a week ago. I can't believe it's only been a week... it feels like a month. The days drag on like there's no tomorrow, and the nights are filled with restless sleep. Add to that the fact that this entire week we've been moving out of our house as we wrap up our time being on staff at Life Chapel. This Sunday we embark on our new journey as we follow God's leading to share His love with the people of Mexico (which is super bittersweet AND exciting!)
I think the hardest part about being foster parents when you don't have any kids of your own is the added pain that when they leave, you're empty nested again. The routine of just Noah and I is so familiar... we've been doing it for 4 years. But we had our little guy for 7 months and he changed everything. Then, all in a matter of 20 minutes, that's gone. He's gone. The stuff is gone. The new routine is gone. And while everything is back to "normal", nothing is the same.
For some, that might be nice. A full nights sleep, no extra luggage when you're headed to the store, no scrambling to find a babysitter because you forgot...again. But I would rather things be harder with K-man than easier without him.
We had furiously prayed that he would be able to be ours forever; that Tub would be able to come to Mexico with us. We entered foster care for many reasons, but always knowing we wanted to adopt and make one of these little ones our son or daughter. How many times do we go into something with our own intentions, and God just has so many others?
I used to hate the verse: We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps. proverbs 16:9
I would think- "Well, why the heck would I plan something if God is just gonna do what He wants anyway?" But as I look back over my life, God has used so many of my steps for a much bigger purpose than I could have ever imagined. Some of my steps were selfish, and he redeemed them. Some of my steps were in ignorance, and He blessed them. Some of my steps were even with good intentions, but He transformed them into journeys I could have never imagined.
These steps into foster care were a joint cause- partly selfish, partly in ignorance, and partly wanting to do the right thing. But God, and only God, was able to take all of that and turn it into something beautiful. Because while I am sad, indescribably sad, and grieving the loss of this insanely special little boy in our lives, I know that He (GOD) is good.
As a follower of Christ, I HAVE to choose to trust Him, not only with my life but with the lives of others. We don't live in a perfect world, and you don't need to be involved in the foster care system to see that. I genuinely don't know how a person can live life without the help and power of Jesus Christ. This life is hard enough WITH His help! At the end of the day, even when our beloved K-money was sleeping in the room next to me, I was not in control. I was not his ultimate protector and author of his life. God was, He is, and remains to be. I have the power to know and believe that every prayer poured into that little body for the past 7 months made a difference. I have the faith to believe that if his leaving wasn't the best for him AND us, that it wouldn't have happened.
I don't have this faith on my own. I am begging God for it, and He's answering my prayers. I am weak, but He is strong. And for that, I am grateful.
Some days I wake up and think "I can't do it. Nope, not today. I can't be reminded that he's not here anymore", and I can choose to sit there. And sometimes, in all honesty, I do. There's something sickening about hurt and sadness... it can feel good to wallow in it. But immediately I am uneasy as I sit in my pain and confusion. Sadness and longing are one thing, but dwelling on the circumstances and letting myself feel upset is something different. So yes, while Jesus is making me strong, I also need to choose life. I need to choose to place my hope in God's love and overarching purpose. I choose to choose God over my own plans and steps. So let the rainstorms come. Let the tears ebb and flow. Because I know that on the other side of this storm is the brightest sunshine of all.
"He kept on going, because he kept his eyes on the One who was invisible"
Hebrews 11:27
Oh Melanie and Noah I can only imagine your heartache. So grateful that you have the perspective you do. Praying for the next amazing step in your lives.
ReplyDeleteYou write beautifully. I can only imagine your hurt. I was so blessed to be able to keep Jake. If only for some time more. Love ya hun. Xoxo
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