Like any good story, you need to start at the beginning. Or do you? Sometimes starting in the middle is better for someone like me, because I just want to know what's happening and then relax and enjoy its beginnings instead of trying to figure out where it's heading.
But for the sake of you normal people, I'll start at the beginning.
It all began with a baby. Or, should I say, a lack there of one. My husband and I have not been able to conceive naturally, and I don't feel like getting tests done. In my opinion, if God can make a virgin pregnant, I'm no great challenge. (And for the record, this post isn't about what's "right & wrong" when it comes to getting pregnant. This is the last I'll touch on the matter). I personally have always wanted to adopt anyway, and luckily my husband was on board. So, the investigation on different ways to adopt began. Hours spent skimming blogs, browsing websites, reading through application fees, processing the pros and cons of adopting internationally or domestic, safe-haven babes or an older child... the information was overwhelming, and the options seemingly endless. And then there's the cost. So after seeing the facts and praying about our options, we began to really process the "whys" of adoption.
My husband and I both firmly agreed that adoption was not just another way to get a baby. It wasn't merely a back-up plan. We both wanted to adopt because there are children out there that don't have a place to lay their head; don't have the warm, tender hands of a loving adult to care for them; don't have a safe haven to call home. As we let God speak to our hearts and sought His will in the matter, we both agreed that we wanted to adopt a child that really and truly had no one. Which led us to look deeper into fostering to adopt. The children in foster care are only there because there was a circumstance so bad at home that they had to be removed. And when a child is removed, they need to be placed in a home. A home that would provide unconditional love, support, and nurturing without expecting much in return.
The idea terrified me, but also made my heart leap at the same time. It's weird to have 2 feelings that so contradict each other... little did I know this would be the first experience of many that I would feel these sort of opposing emotions.
We began the application process. We told people about what we were heading into. I heard the warnings to be careful, because this sort of thing can rip your heart out. But we pressed on anyway, because when Jesus tells you to do something, well, you do it. Before long, we were rushed through the approval process in order to accept the placement of a little boy that was going to need a placement ASAP. Everything was perfect... it was going to be a long-term placement that would very possibly end up in adoption (which was our ultimate goal). We frantically went to IKEA, got a nursery set up, and waited. He was to arrive the week of my birthday! And then the phone rings.
The thing I love about Jesus is that He really does take care of you. That morning (before the phone call), I was driving in my car and praying. Praying about the future, praying for this specific placement, and I felt a gentle nudge that something was "up". I remember as quick as the thought came into my head, it left... but the idea that this placement might not work out was there. When Noah's phone rang that afternoon, I knew. And I cried a little... but overall I was ok. It was so weird. I had spent almost 5 weeks totally and completely invested in the idea of finally having a child, and within 5 minutes the hope was gone... but it wasn't. Because it was then that I started to really understand that my hope isn't in any human person or thing.
Fast forward a few months. The nursery started to collect some storage and had turned into my workout space. No more phone calls from the state about a placement... and my mind starts to wonder: "if they need foster parents so bad, where are all the kids??". From Easter to mid June we went about our daily lives, sometimes wondering if this would be the day we would be placed with a child... and eventually that wondering turned into a conversation that led to the conclusion that we don't want to foster. We prayed, and upon not hearing much, we decided that we wanted to start a family. We "tried" to foster, but now we were going to close that door and pursue adoption. And then the phone rings.
I kid you not... we were on our way home from a graduation. It was 8:30pm at night. We had decided that morning that we were going to call the office and ask that our account be closed for now. I answered my phone to hear "Hi Melanie, would you be able to accept a 14 mo old girl for an emergency placement? I will drop her off in about an hour". I almost collapsed. We said yes, and the freakout began... 14 months?? What size diapers? Does she use a bottle? Will she be scared? It's so late! Wait, we didn't sign up to be emergency contacts... I remember NOT checking that box. The nursery is a disaster. We're dog sitting for my parents! I haven't gone food shopping this week! Does she like bananas? What's her name? I thought we weren't going to do foster care anymore!
Nothing was perfect.
My amazing husband and I got home and started cleaning. He went to the store. I started vacuuming. We both prayed furiously. And we waited. We sat on our couch with so much nervous energy...
Then she came. She came fast asleep in the arms of the case worker, and went right into her crib. We took her tiny bag of clothes, and the case worker left. We didn't know much of anything about her... only that she needed a safe place to lay her head for the night.
The next 6 weeks would be the most insane, crazy, stressful, enjoyable, joyful, and life giving weeks I had ever experienced. This little girl was the sweetest child... her dimpled smile could make the grouchiest of people grin. Her chunky legs would stomp around the house with such thunder. She loved people... all people. Waving at everyone, giving high fives, blowing kisses... she became my buddy. Every night before bed we would pray. We would pray for her parents to find Jesus. We would pray that this would be one battle that drugs and evil would NOT win. But everyday it became harder and harder to pray, for I was afraid of losing this gift. But every day God gave me more and more strength to pray "Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven". And those prayers eventually became answered.
A few days ago, "our" little peanut returned to her parents. My heart felt like it was getting ripped out my chest, just like I had been warned. I couldn't breathe. I had grown to love this little girl more than any other child. My heart was so sad to see her go, but through it all I KNEW that God had a plan. I knew, and still do know, that Jesus loves that little girl more than I do, and that He knows best. And through all the tears and pain, we had no regrets. Because when that little girl left our house, my Hope did not leave with it. The details surrounding her arrival were so ordained by God that there was no room for doubt... and He does it all in a day's work.
Jesus knew that this little girl needed to be in our home, and that we needed her. She was a precious, special, and beautiful soul that needed a safe haven for a few weeks. She needed the love of Jesus to be poured into her life. And her parents needed the prayers of many to overcome their addiction. Jesus also knew it would be hard. So many times the things we're called to are going to be the hardest things. I now know that full well. I have never felt such an array of emotions, all at the same time. So much sorrow, yet joy at having known we were God's hands and feet for a time. So much confusion as to why the situation worked out the way it did, yet so much trust in the Lord and His plans. I still can't believe that it's Friday, and she left just a few days ago. I will always miss her, but Jesus is already restoring my heart. He's already giving me more and more peace and hope each day to see beyond the now. To see that there are more children that need to know the love of the Father.
It's not about me. It's not about what I want. I want to start a family. God knows that, and He will provide... in His time. But for now, I have a lot of love to give, and an empty room... He provides the rest. He provides the strength to do His call, and the comfort when the trials surge. We're just responsible to say "Yes".
But for the sake of you normal people, I'll start at the beginning.
It all began with a baby. Or, should I say, a lack there of one. My husband and I have not been able to conceive naturally, and I don't feel like getting tests done. In my opinion, if God can make a virgin pregnant, I'm no great challenge. (And for the record, this post isn't about what's "right & wrong" when it comes to getting pregnant. This is the last I'll touch on the matter). I personally have always wanted to adopt anyway, and luckily my husband was on board. So, the investigation on different ways to adopt began. Hours spent skimming blogs, browsing websites, reading through application fees, processing the pros and cons of adopting internationally or domestic, safe-haven babes or an older child... the information was overwhelming, and the options seemingly endless. And then there's the cost. So after seeing the facts and praying about our options, we began to really process the "whys" of adoption.
My husband and I both firmly agreed that adoption was not just another way to get a baby. It wasn't merely a back-up plan. We both wanted to adopt because there are children out there that don't have a place to lay their head; don't have the warm, tender hands of a loving adult to care for them; don't have a safe haven to call home. As we let God speak to our hearts and sought His will in the matter, we both agreed that we wanted to adopt a child that really and truly had no one. Which led us to look deeper into fostering to adopt. The children in foster care are only there because there was a circumstance so bad at home that they had to be removed. And when a child is removed, they need to be placed in a home. A home that would provide unconditional love, support, and nurturing without expecting much in return.
The idea terrified me, but also made my heart leap at the same time. It's weird to have 2 feelings that so contradict each other... little did I know this would be the first experience of many that I would feel these sort of opposing emotions.
We began the application process. We told people about what we were heading into. I heard the warnings to be careful, because this sort of thing can rip your heart out. But we pressed on anyway, because when Jesus tells you to do something, well, you do it. Before long, we were rushed through the approval process in order to accept the placement of a little boy that was going to need a placement ASAP. Everything was perfect... it was going to be a long-term placement that would very possibly end up in adoption (which was our ultimate goal). We frantically went to IKEA, got a nursery set up, and waited. He was to arrive the week of my birthday! And then the phone rings.
The thing I love about Jesus is that He really does take care of you. That morning (before the phone call), I was driving in my car and praying. Praying about the future, praying for this specific placement, and I felt a gentle nudge that something was "up". I remember as quick as the thought came into my head, it left... but the idea that this placement might not work out was there. When Noah's phone rang that afternoon, I knew. And I cried a little... but overall I was ok. It was so weird. I had spent almost 5 weeks totally and completely invested in the idea of finally having a child, and within 5 minutes the hope was gone... but it wasn't. Because it was then that I started to really understand that my hope isn't in any human person or thing.
Fast forward a few months. The nursery started to collect some storage and had turned into my workout space. No more phone calls from the state about a placement... and my mind starts to wonder: "if they need foster parents so bad, where are all the kids??". From Easter to mid June we went about our daily lives, sometimes wondering if this would be the day we would be placed with a child... and eventually that wondering turned into a conversation that led to the conclusion that we don't want to foster. We prayed, and upon not hearing much, we decided that we wanted to start a family. We "tried" to foster, but now we were going to close that door and pursue adoption. And then the phone rings.
I kid you not... we were on our way home from a graduation. It was 8:30pm at night. We had decided that morning that we were going to call the office and ask that our account be closed for now. I answered my phone to hear "Hi Melanie, would you be able to accept a 14 mo old girl for an emergency placement? I will drop her off in about an hour". I almost collapsed. We said yes, and the freakout began... 14 months?? What size diapers? Does she use a bottle? Will she be scared? It's so late! Wait, we didn't sign up to be emergency contacts... I remember NOT checking that box. The nursery is a disaster. We're dog sitting for my parents! I haven't gone food shopping this week! Does she like bananas? What's her name? I thought we weren't going to do foster care anymore!
Nothing was perfect.
My amazing husband and I got home and started cleaning. He went to the store. I started vacuuming. We both prayed furiously. And we waited. We sat on our couch with so much nervous energy...
Then she came. She came fast asleep in the arms of the case worker, and went right into her crib. We took her tiny bag of clothes, and the case worker left. We didn't know much of anything about her... only that she needed a safe place to lay her head for the night.
The next 6 weeks would be the most insane, crazy, stressful, enjoyable, joyful, and life giving weeks I had ever experienced. This little girl was the sweetest child... her dimpled smile could make the grouchiest of people grin. Her chunky legs would stomp around the house with such thunder. She loved people... all people. Waving at everyone, giving high fives, blowing kisses... she became my buddy. Every night before bed we would pray. We would pray for her parents to find Jesus. We would pray that this would be one battle that drugs and evil would NOT win. But everyday it became harder and harder to pray, for I was afraid of losing this gift. But every day God gave me more and more strength to pray "Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven". And those prayers eventually became answered.
A few days ago, "our" little peanut returned to her parents. My heart felt like it was getting ripped out my chest, just like I had been warned. I couldn't breathe. I had grown to love this little girl more than any other child. My heart was so sad to see her go, but through it all I KNEW that God had a plan. I knew, and still do know, that Jesus loves that little girl more than I do, and that He knows best. And through all the tears and pain, we had no regrets. Because when that little girl left our house, my Hope did not leave with it. The details surrounding her arrival were so ordained by God that there was no room for doubt... and He does it all in a day's work.
Jesus knew that this little girl needed to be in our home, and that we needed her. She was a precious, special, and beautiful soul that needed a safe haven for a few weeks. She needed the love of Jesus to be poured into her life. And her parents needed the prayers of many to overcome their addiction. Jesus also knew it would be hard. So many times the things we're called to are going to be the hardest things. I now know that full well. I have never felt such an array of emotions, all at the same time. So much sorrow, yet joy at having known we were God's hands and feet for a time. So much confusion as to why the situation worked out the way it did, yet so much trust in the Lord and His plans. I still can't believe that it's Friday, and she left just a few days ago. I will always miss her, but Jesus is already restoring my heart. He's already giving me more and more peace and hope each day to see beyond the now. To see that there are more children that need to know the love of the Father.
It's not about me. It's not about what I want. I want to start a family. God knows that, and He will provide... in His time. But for now, I have a lot of love to give, and an empty room... He provides the rest. He provides the strength to do His call, and the comfort when the trials surge. We're just responsible to say "Yes".
Melanie I hear your heart and understand. It certainly is a different journey but God's ways are so amazing! Praying for you and Noah as you await the next blessing in your journey. The blessing of the Lord makes one rich and adds no sorrow to it! Love you😍
ReplyDeleteMelanie how beautiful and what an honor the Lord has chosen you both to care for his little children. My sister and her husband began their journey as foster parents about a year ago and even though it is difficult saying goodbye, they are full of joy having had the privilege of caring for the little ones while God works on the hearts of the parents. They have hopes of adopting and it is in Gods timing. His timing is perfect and I will be praying for you both.
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