One of my favorite movie quotes is from Shrek:
"I can't feel my toes!! I don't have any toes!!
-pause-
I think I need a hug."
(It really just doesn't have the same flair when I type it, but, what're you gonna do...)
The other day was a big rainstorm day. No matter what I did, I couldn't swallow the tears that kept welling up inside of me. As most of you know, Noah and I are in Springfield, MO right now for missionary training. So while the speaker is speaking of reaching indigenous people groups and how to effectively reach them, it might be somewhat appropriate for me to shed a tear or two out of passion for the lost. And believe me, I was banking on that being my fall-back. But the few lonely tears started to turn into a flowing mighty river that was getting uncontrollable, and I knew I probably couldn't blend in with the group as we sat there taking notes on how to translate Bible stories.
Noah, being the amazing guy he is, suggested I take the car keys and just go sit by myself for a little while. I quickly took him up on it, hopped in the car, and let loose. I wish that meant dancing. Unfortunately, there was not an ounce of Footloose in the car, just deep heavy sobs and a lot of "whys".
** I want to interrupt myself here and let you guys know that I don't intend to only write posts about the struggles. My desires are NOT to whine or have you crying out of sympathy or feeling sad when done. My hope is that I am able to share how AMAZING Jesus is in the midst of pain. **
Where was I... right. Ugly crying. So, there I am, sobbing and just feeling incredibly confused and sad about our K-man. This went on for about 20 minutes or so, until I could regain my composure. In the midst of my rainfall I was begging God to tell me why he needed to go back home; why he couldn't have stayed with us. I completely trust He has a plan, but I really feel like I should be in on it. It's my life, ya know. Or is it?
The tears subsided and I sat in silence. Utter silence. Somewhat annoyed that I had worn makeup that morning, somewhat frustrated that I didn't hear God's voice. But I did have peace.
I think that sometimes when we go through bouts of tears and confusion we think we need answers. We think that God telling us the answers to our "whys" is going to make everything better. I'm realizing, though, that God is really the best Father ever. I believe He knows that sometimes the response to our questions will only lead to more questions, or even an argument. If we're honest with ourselves, how many times does the answer from an authority that we disagree with ever just fix everything? Sometimes it does, but not often. Especially in areas of hurt. We, I, are very short-term minded.
And I think sometimes God just knows we just need a hug. Not a booming voice to counter our desperateness. Not a response to our deepest fears. Just a huge, enveloping bear hug. I realized in that moment of stillness and quiet that it wasn't that God wasn't there; God was listening.
Like a best friend, God- the creator of the heavens- was listening....to ME. Man He's good.
As we've been on this journey of foster care and now transitioning into missionary life it's becoming more and more obvious that God knows what we need. He knows mine and Noah's personal desires; He also knows what's best for us.
For all of us, actually. For YOU. He knows whats best. It can sound so cheap and trivial "God knows what's best". But I'm living through the reality of that statement. I don't know why this is best, but I do know that I've never felt closer to the Lord in my life.
I heard a woman (I wish I could remember her name!) this afternoon say something extremely wise about a prayer she uttered to God about a sacrifice she was making to become a missionary. She said the prayer was not a "want to" prayer, but a "willing" prayer. She told God that if leaving her home country and putting her own family's life in danger was what needed to happen so that all people could respond to His great love, that she was willing to let that happen. She was willing to endanger her and her family's very lives... and while she didn't want that to happen, she was willing.
That got to me. I have been so scared to let go of my desire to adopt or to have a family while we move to Mexico. I have been so scared that if I tell God I'm willing to not have children for a season, that He'll just take me up on the offer. That is NOT the God I serve! That is NOT the God of the universe. That certainly isn't the God thats hugging me and listening to my deepest hearts cries.
Here's the point: God is for us. He is for YOU. He is for me. Surrendering to Jesus doesn't mean giving up; it's actually quite the opposite. You're not giving up, you're giving it over to the One who is more able than you to bring it to fruition.
"The Lord will work out His plans for my life- for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.
Don't abandon me, for you made me." Psalm 138:8
Thank you Mel! This was beautiful true. I love your honesty, it is sobering. I am praying for you both. I will be sending the hugs through words, wishing I was hugging at church on Sunday.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Mary
Well said, Mel! It's funny, you write like you talk so I could totally see you saying all of this! Thanks for your candor and for being REAL! I have my own whys but God is faithful. Mike and I continue to pray for both of you. We miss you already!
ReplyDeleteLove, Heidi